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So I’m sitting here watching the Tyra Banks Show and there are three women who confront the women in their lives who they are jealous of. The first woman, Lisa, is jealous of a woman who competes in pagents with her, Brittney. She feels that Brittney has the perfect body and face. Second, Danielle is jealous of her sister Cheri and the life she has — mainly because Cheri was happily married and had 2 wonderful children. Finally, Alex’s twin sister, Ashley, feels like she’s the “ugly” twin and that Alex is always pushing her to the side because she’s not pretty enough. As the women were discussing their issues, Tyra revealed that she, too, was jealous of her best friend’s looks. So much of what the ladies were saying stuck a chord with me.

I’ve been jealous of so many people in my lifetime and, I’ll admit, that there are a couple of people who I’m jealous of now. I’ve been jealous of people because I was bigger than people and felt like I stood out, in a bad way. I’ve been jealous because I couldn’t go into any store and buy clothes and shoes like others could. I’ve been jealous of people’s goals because I didn’t have the same goals they did. I’ve been jealous of people’s family lives. I’ve been jealous because of the attention from guys. I’ve been jealous of people’s life experiences. Like Tyra, I doubt that any of the people I’ve been jealous of had any idea that I was feeling this way.

Why have I been so jealous? Whether, we want to admit it or not, I think we all are jealous of someone or something at some point. The key is to not let that jealousy affect our total being. I have never focused on my jealousy. I try keep myself to busy to let the jealous thoughts creep into my head. To shake the thoughts, I usually have an epiphany that “brings me back to reality.” I realize that things really aren’t so bad for me or that the lives that I was jealous of weren’t as “perfect” as they appeared.

Watching the show made me realize that being jealous of others does nothing but hurt me. I’m the one wasting energy thinking about other people’s business. It’s time that I refocus my energies on myself.

People are funny. And “friends” are even funnier. The term “friend” applies to so many. People in our lives who are there for us whenever we need them, who are there for us whenever it’s convenient to them, and those who we speak to with some familiarity — they are all considered to be “friends” in some form or fashion. However it’s the level of “friend” that matters the most. Best, fair-weather, former, acquaintances, and new-found friend, we all have them.

Things have been real interesting for me on the “friend” front in recent weeks. My friend Sasha who I’ve know since 1985 left the country at the end of May to start her two-year assignment in Paraguay with the Peace Corps. I never realized how much I would miss her. I mean, it’s not like I’m breakin’ down in tears because she’s gone…it’s just the little things like sending her a text message when something reminds me of her that I took for granted when she was here in the States. I’m glad that she came down to Atlanta so that we could spend a couple of days together before she left. It really made a difference and I think it made the two us closer. I can honestly say that it’s true that you don’t realize how much you miss someone ‘til they’re gone.

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I’ve reconnected with a couple of ladies that I was extremely close to in college, but for various reasons our friendship had to end. There were a lot of reasons that Suga and I stopped being friends — she treated me like a back-up friend. She would only hang out with me when her other friends weren’t available (and she told me this), she only called when she needed me for something (and others weren’t available), and she thought that (because my problems were different from hers) I had no issues. Not true at all, in fact, at that point my mother was sick and wasn’t telling me all that was going on until she started arguing with me about something. It was that she did anything to me persay, I just got tired (that seems to be a common thing for me). However, given that I haven’t seen her in about 2 years and hadn’t hung out with her in about 5 years…it was crazy to see her a week ago and have things click like there hasn’t been any time lapse at all.

Ti on the other hand was a totally different story. She sent me an email seeing how I was doing because she thought she saw out and about last week. There were two reasons why Ti and I stopped being friends. First, she was somewhat of a hypocrite. She would complain about people doing or not doing something (i.e. being around for her birthday or not coming to visit her out in East Boonieville, GA) but then do the same thing that she would complain about. WTF? I would be offended because I’d go out somewhere (around the corner from my house) and she would be there. Umm, you could’ve called to say, ‘hey, I’m going to be in your neighborhood, you should come meet me.’ That never happened…though she would call me when she was driving on 285 on her way home or would call for directions to somewhere near my house, but would never come to visit me. Second, Ti had no respect for other people’s time. And that PISSED.ME.OFF! I shouldn’t have to tell you to be somewhere an hour or two before the actual time you should be there, just so you show up on time. And then when you are still late, you act like it’s no big deal. Are you serious? Like obviously you don’t have any respect for me because you’re just going to do your own shit. Other friends would just give her a pass because ‘that’s just Ti, you know how she is…’ Yes, I did know that’s how she was, but I get fed up with her nonchalant attitude when someone (or I) would say something to her about it. So because of the lack of disrespect, I had to cut her off. This isn’t to say that I’m not glad that she contacted me. I have missed her over the years…

I had a great Memorial Weekend. I flew down to Clearwater, Florida to spend some time with my bestest friend Lo’Nique (aka the other half of Lauren Squared) and my punkin Malachi.

This was my first extended visit to Florida since he was born in September 2006. (I know, I feel like such a bad godmommy for not seeing him more often…) But things happen, so now I’m trying to make up for lost time.

Can I just say that I LOVE this little boy!

I mean, how can you not love him? He’s just so cute!

It was nice to not have to think about anything of any importance for a few days. No one was calling me to ask them to do something for them. I got to catch up on some much needed rest. (Praise Him for that one!) I got a nice little tan. But most of all it was just great to be with two of my favorite people. We went to a crab boil, to a few BBQs, to the beach, and I met a lot of cool people. (Who all asked when I was coming back because they had a blast meeting me!) I was able to really bond with Malachi for the first time, and by the time I had to leave he was running up to me randomly to give me “besos” and hugs. For some reason he was obsessed with my sneakers. He kept running around the apartment with my shoes on laughing and giggling! It was super cute (as you can see from the first photo.)

I know that may seem harsh, but it’s real talk.

If you’re gonna be an asshole, keep the asshole going and be the best asshole around! Don’t be an asshole, and then apologize for some asshole shit you may say because you are worried about offending someone.

Dammit, that’s what assholes do — they offend muhfukkas!

At the same time, if you’re gonna be a hoe and do hoe shit, accept your hoe-ness! Don’t do some hoe-activity and then come back from said activity and hang your head in shame. You better be THAT hoe and be confident in the hoe shit you just did! Like “I’m the mutha fukkin’ hoe!” Aim to be the best hoe EVER!

You knew you were about to do some hoe shit, before you did it. And there’s nothing wrong with it, as long as you are confident about yours.

Don’t think I’m gonna judge you for your asshole or hoe ways…for one I don’t judge, I just feel the need to state the obvious sometimes. That being said, if I’m your friend (and I mean your real friend) I know that you’re an asshole, I know that you’re a hoe and I accept you as such! However if you ask my opinion on some shit, I’m gonna give you my opinion — raw and uncut!

This applies to so many types of people, not just assholes and hoes…but whoever you choose to be in life, you have to be convinced that you are the best at it. If you don’t believe it, no one else will!

“You know him as Joe the Policeman, from the ‘What’s Going Down?’ episode of ‘That’s My Mama’…give it up for Mr. Randy Watson!” LMAO Ok, maybe not, but the title of this made me think of Coming to America!

This is a picture of my mom and I when I was around 6 months old. My mom and I have been going through some things recently, so she wanted me to come home for Mother’s Day. Praise the Lord for a last-minute fare sale! I went home first thing Saturday morning and then came back late Sunday night. I can honestly say that, for the first time in a long time, we didn’t argue about anything.  We usually argue about so many things, but most of the arguments are because my mom likes to get hyped up and jump to conclusions.

The problem is my mom has a wandering mind. A wandering mind? If she’s talking to someone or watching something on TV, no matter what it is and how little it relates to me, she will have some crazy dream with me in it. Then she ends up calling me and panicking about something that would never apply to me. For example, one time she was watching some made-for-TV movie and had a dream that she came down to Atlanta to visit me. We were sleeping and she heard a noise coming from the hall closet. She went to see what it was and I was hiding a baby by the towels! WTF? First of all, if I had a baby, I would never not tell her. Second, I would NEVER hide a baby in the linen closet!

If she calls me to see what I’m doing, and I say nothing, she thinks there is something wrong with me because I’m not doing anything. I mean sometimes a sista just needs to chill out and fall off the radar. Like I know she thinks I have lost my damn mind in the last 8 months or so, but really I haven’t. These days, I’m just trying to find myself and figure out where I’m going.

As I get older, it’s getting harder for her to let go and accept that I’m not her little girl anymore. I’ll always be her baby, but I’ve gotta make my own way.

It’s been a crazy last few days for me. Pretty nonstop, so I haven’t been able to sit down and catch up on my blogging. I’ve just been posting crazy stories from around the world. Since my weekend was so busy and chock-full of entertainment, I’m just getting a chance to do a recap.

Friday

First thing Friday morning, I flew home to D.C. for my 10 year high school reunion. (I was kinda unimpressed because my mom was in Puerto Rico all last week and didn’t even think about the fact that I was flying in Friday morning and she wasn’t flying back until Friday night…but I digress.) I pretty much had the whole day to twirl around my homecity, so I started off by going up to my high school to visit my friend and former art teacher. She’s one of my favorites and I usually try to stop by her house to see her and the fam whenever I come home. I spent a couple of hours with her chatting about life and her students before I had to go meet my church buddy LAW for lunch. It’s so cute when I see him because he always feels so privileged that I took the time out to hang out with him…he just turned 21 recently and before then I always told him that I don’t usually hang out with people under 21 because somehow their antics always get me into trouble. I’ve always made exceptions for him, but this time was the first time we went to lunch one-on-one. I’m so proud of the man he’s becoming. He’s taking some time off from school right now, but I’m glad that he’s not getting into the shenanigans that the other fools from church are getting into. (BTW I found out more than I really needed to about those hooligans during our lunch! Praise the Lord for LAW and his siblings staying out of the drama!)

After lunch, I ended up going to my mom’s house to take a nice long nap. I had to pick up Lo’Nique and Malachi at the airport at 12:30am, so I wanted to be sure that I was awake for it. (Just an FYI, Reagan National Airport is a scary place at 1 in the morning.) It was sooooo good to see my Lo’Nique and Malachi. I hadn’t seen them since Christmas 2006 and Malachi has gotten so big since then!

Saturday

Saturday was pretty nonstop for me. I was up at 8am to go to visit the culinary school that I’m applying to. I’m in LOVE with that place! I can so see myself in the uniform, working my ass off…it’s definitely going to be a challenge but it’s one that I’m ready and willing to take on. On my way home from the school, I got a call from my “little brother” Billy. He happened to be near my mom’s house and was trying to stop by and visit. I haven’t seen him in a good 3 years, so when I pulled up to my mom’s house and he got out of his Audi TT Roadster with a full beard lookin’ all grown man and what not, I bout fell out! What am I supposed to do with that? I know everyone grows up, and people are probably saying the same thing about me, but he’ll always be that skinny kid that used to tag around with me and my friends wherever we went. *Sigh* Anyhoo, I chatted with him for a bit while Lo’Nique got Malachi ready to take to Grandma’s luncheon. After we dropped Malachi off, we headed to lunch with my friend Kelly. It’s always great to get together with girlfriends, who may not have each other for the first time, but at the end seem to have known each other forever! After lunch we stopped by Cakelove for some cupcakes (yes, that was a little fat of us, but I can’t resist Cakelove!) By this time, we needed to head back to mom’s house to prep for the reunion cocktail party at my high school.

Me, Lo’Nique and Ike’s Tina were looking FAB! For real, we stepped it up and EVERYONE commented on it! Not that everyone else was looking a mess, but there were a few ladies who had either gained a bunch of weight or just looked a little haggard. After the cocktail party (which was in the school gym — very high school dance!) we decided it was too early to end the night, so we headed to Avenue for a party that my people were throwing. Things started off a little slow, but once our homeboy “Jumanji” showed up, the party got started and didn’t end until the lights in the club came on at 3am!

Sunday

After not getting home until 3:30am, my mom didn’t think that I’d be making any kind of movement before noon. Instead, in true Lboogie fashion, I was up early getting ready for church. I dropped Lo’Nique off at her Grandma’s house, chatted for a bit, then made my way to church. After church, me, mom, LAW and his siblings and Billy went to Sunday brunch. (A good Sunday brunch buffet always makes me happy, and this one did not disappoint!) The food and the conversation was great. It was just enough food to give me energy to get home and take a nap before mom and I headed to dinner to meet my godfather.

Dinner with my godfather is always fun, plus he always brings me presents! (YIPPEE!) I flew back to Atlanta first thing Monday morning and headed straight to work. I fly the first flight on Monday mornings all the time, and after every one I wonder what in the hell was I thinking!?!? I crashed as soon as I got home Monday afternoon — I didn’t even have the energy to take my suitcase out of the car until Tuesday!

All in all I had a great weekend and I got to see so many people that I hadn’t seen in YEARS, both from my high school class and other.

There’s something about the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you dress, the way you stand, the way you are. I can’t put my finger on that one thing that is so…so YOU. You have a way about you, it’s not forced, hell, you might not even know what I’m talking about. That’s how natural IT is to you.

I’ll tell you what it is. You’ve got a SWAGGER. You aren’t trying too hard, like some. You aren’t trying to be like anyone else, like some. Matter of fact, I don’t think TRY is in your vocabulary. You don’t try to keep up with the Jones’…the Jones’ are trying to keep up with you.

Your SWAGGER is unlike anything I’ve seen. I’ve been told that I have a SWAGGER, and it took me a while to figure out what people were talking about. Then I saw you. It all made sense to me. Not to sound corny, but it’s this air about you, an aura.  You may not be the finest thing around, but your SWAG makes you irresistible.  People are attracted to IT, I know I am.  People want to hang around you in hopes that IT will rub off on them, not a chance.  Your shit can’t be duplicated.  They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but, in my opinion, imitation is an insult to you — any attempts look bootleg.

I guess I’ve said all this to say…I just love your SWAGGER…

This isn’t directed to anyone in particular.  It’s more of a dedication to anyone with a swagger, those that I know and those who I’ve seen on the street, in the mall or at a party.

Last night, on Easter Sunday (how symbolic was that??), I met my father for the first time ever.  Originally, he had mentioned that I would be meeting everyone (his wife, my older brother and his family, as well as my younger brother,) but instead it was just the two of us and I think it was better that way. 

He gave me a big hug when he saw me.  We really just tried to get to know each other. It was funny because, even though it was our first time meeting, it felt like I had known him forever.  Our conversation just flowed and there weren’t any awkward silences. He kept looking at me, laughing and shaking his head as if he was thinking “I can’t believe this is my daughter.”  We did a lot of talking about food and cooking.  We shared recipes and cooking tips, and he said that he can really tell how passionate I am about culinary school.  We talked about religion, politics, technology, just about every topic there is. Come to find out, we have A LOT of things in common.  We were at the restaurant for about 2 and half hours.  It was really nice.  I’m excited to see where this goes in the future.

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My mom, on the other hand, is really having a hard time with all of this.

Right after she picked me up from the airport on Friday, she started arguing with me and said “are you sick of me, is that why you’ve contacted your father?”  Like mom, what are you talking about.

I knew it was going to be hard for her, but I didn’t think she’d be so on edge about it.  I explained to her when I got the response from him, that it didn’t have anything to do with her, it was something that I had to do for me.  It was time that I find out about my father. She had tried to force me to talk about him at random times when I was growing up, but I always avoided it because I didn’t feel comfortable with the topic.  I had to do it when I was comfortable with it.  I know she doesn’t want me to be let down if things don’t go the way I want, but I keep telling her that I wasn’t expecting anything.  When I wrote the letter to my father, I honestly didn’t expect to get a response.  Meeting each other was his idea.  The phone call was his idea.  After I told her that I got the initial response from him, she thought that every time I was having a bad day, it was because he said something to me that made me upset, and that’s just not the case.

I’m really need her to chill out about it all, because it’s going to stress me out. 

“It’s time to go to work!” - Gunny Harren

Saturday afternoon, me and a select group of the Usual Suspect Divas Atlanta (shouts out to Babs, Fergie, and Keyalus!) headed to the shooting range at Wild West Traders in Austell. I was super excited because I had never been to a shooting range (but always wanted to) and because the outing had been postponed from last month. When we first got there, we met our instructor Gunny Harren in the classroom, where he gave us some safety tips, how to hold a gun, and a couple of self-defense techniques. Then it was our turn to “go to work!” First up — Keyalus and I. I started with the revolver, all I can say is “good times!!!” (Who knew I’d be such a great shot??) Then switched guns with Keyalus. Next, Babs and Fergie got their turn.

We got practice shooting each gun. Then Gunny had each of us do drills — shooting five quick shots and shooting twice after grabbing the gun from off the ledge. Babs had so much fun she said she thinks she’s found herself a new hobby. (Babs, I’m game for going again, just let me know!) It was such a great afternoon with the ladies, that I didn’t think the day would get any better.

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After the shooting range, Babs and I went to get sushi. (WOOHOO!) I hadn’t gone for sushi in a long time, so I was glad that Babs is a sushi fan when we were both famished after our afternoon outing. It’s always fun chattin’ over food with Babs!

After lunch, I planned to head home to chill out for the rest of the day. But while we were at the gun range, my friend Cris had called me. We ended up hanging out the rest of the evening. We twirled around the mall, went to get Cuban food, and partied the night away. It’s always fun to go to a party with Cris. She’s one of the best dancers I know and she’s always good for cracking jokes to keep ourselves entertained. We had a blast and I didn’t get home ’til almost 3:30am (thanks to daylight savings time.)

Saturday was a good day!

Sunday, March 23, 2008 — Easter Sunday.

This is the day that I finally meet my father…(How symbolic is it that I’m meeting my father for the first time on Easter Sunday??? The Lord works in mysterious ways…)

Stay tuned for a full report…

This is an ongoing entry…if I get the urge to write to someone — who I may or may not currently have contact with, but need to let them know how I’m feeling, then I will post the letter to them here…I decided to do this post after a bout of insomnia.  Sometimes I wish that I could’ve said things, but never got the chance or couldn’t find a way to say it.  Here goes:

Lo’Nique, I’m so glad to have you as a best friend.  We’ve been through a lot in the last 14 years and each year brings us closer.  You were one of the first people I met at Visi and we shared a bond instantly, not only because we had the same name but we were both unimpressed we were in summer school! (Ha ha ha!)  I know that I’ve been hard on you in more recent years, and I apologize if I hurt you in anyway, but I hope you know that my harsh words were all out of love.  I’m so proud of the woman and mother that you’ve become and I can’t wait to see you in April!  Love you like a sister, Lo’Chelle

To the people I had to let go, I do not regret letting each one of you go.  In one way or another, I needed to let you go to become a better person.  You brought negative energy to my life and, in your own way, you tried to hold me back and steal my shine.  I do wish that I would’ve handled the termination in a better way.  I’m sure most of you had no idea that I was feeling the way I was, and that was my fault.  But at the same time, when I tried to explain myself, you never took me serious — and that was NOT my fault.  With some of you, I gave up on the friendship because I just didn’t have the energy to devote anymore.  I don’t think that, as a friend, I should have to defend myself and my ways, when that’s just how I am and you knew that for years.  Hate is unnecessary but welcomed — if I step my game up, you should be motivated to do the same.  If you don’t have the motivation, don’t hate on me because I’m moving forward.  I hope that you now understand why the friendship had to end.

To my former roomate, I know it’s been 7 years but there have been things that I’ve needed to say to you, but for whatever reason you haven’t given me the chance to get things off my chest.  The way you went MIA really hurt me.  I know you were going through a tough time because of your aunt’s death, but I was left totally in the dark.  I called and left you messages, but you never even acknowledged me.  I would see you on campus and you would run and hide from me.  I don’t know if you realize how close we came to being evicted.  For you, that might not have been a big deal because you could’ve called Daddy and he would’ve been there in an hour with his truck to rescue you.  Me, on the hand, would’ve been assed out.  The Mexicans would’ve been able to have their way with my shit and you wouldn’t have given a damn.  I guess you didn’t want to see me because you knew you owed me money.  But it wasn’t about the money (yes, the money would’ve been great, but if I didn’t haven’t I wouldn’t have missed it…) and it still isn’t.  I know that you probably won’t ever see this, but I feel at peace now.  Maybe one day, I’ll be able to say this to you face to face…dah well.

I just wish that people would understand that and occasionally take me seriously.

Especially my mom.

Don’t get me wrong, I love her with all my heart, but she frustrates me. A lot. There are times when I feel like I can’t even talk to her on the phone because I know what she’s going to say, or not say.

I think things are getting worse…I’ve recently made some decisions regarding my future plans and, of course, I’m going to share with my mother. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting her to be super excited and jump for joy because I don’t think my plans fit in with her ideas of what I should do. And just as I thought, she acted like I hadn’t thought things out. I admit that I’ve had some somewhat off the wall ideas in the past (all of which she either laughed at or totally disregarded) so I’d been keeping things to myself, until I had something concrete. I was excited about the decision that I came to (and so were all of my closest friends) but her reaction kinda put a damper on my mood…

I was hoping that she would come around, eventually, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. When I met her in Ft. Lauderdale to visit my aunt and uncle a couple of weeks ago, it was almost like she was embarrassed and didn’t want me discussing anything around my aunt or uncle. Even when we went to dinner with my godfather, she gave me that look like “let it go.”

What’s so bad about wanting to take the creative route and not the corporate route??

I don’t think my mom realizes that I’m 27 not 7. I know that parents often have a hard time letting their kids grow up, but come on man! Even my aunt made a comment to my mom like “stop treating her like she’s a child…”

I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest…I feel better now…

I’ll admit it — I have a “thing” for a few young stars. Sure sometimes it makes me feel like a child predator, I mean I’m not going to actually go after these boys like some boy-crazy teeny bopper…but you have to admit, they are easy on the eyes!

The original Hot, Young Tender is, and will always be, Chris Brown. (How can you not love him???)

In close second is Corbin Bleu…(I think it’s the hair)

My newest H.Y.T. is Tahj Mowry (yes, Tia and Tamara’s little brother aka The Smart Guy)…he’s all growed up now!

Who are your Hot, Young Tenders??

“I’m deeply sorry that I wasn’t available for you. Perhaps it is God’s will that we connect after all these years.”

As nervous as I was about making the phone call to my father, I think my father was equally or more nervous than I was. I could hear it in his voice.

HIS.VOICE.

What do you mean I heard my father’s voice for the first time EVER? It’s still so surreal now that I think about it. Who’da thunk that I’d be in contact with the other part of me in 2008? I know I didn’t see this coming at all.

I think he’s still in shock that I wrote him in the first place. He said that he read my letter a bunch of times before writing me back.

I found out last night that my father had been thinking of me all of these years. There were many times he wanted to contact me, but didn’t because he didn’t know how I would react, if I would be receptive or if it would make things worse for me. (In a sense, I’m glad that things are panning out the way they are. I’m not sure how I would’ve felt if the relationship was forced on me at another time in my life.)

He wants to meet me. And he wants me to meet the rest of my family.

There are more!

I have a 35 year old brother who is married with a 2 year old son (I’m an AUNT!) AND I have a 20 year old brother who is a junior in college. I’m no longer the only child I once thought I was. He wants me to meet EVERYONE!

I am so much like my mother when it comes to most things, but there are some things that I’m the total opposite of her. That’s one of the reasons that I wanted to contact him. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE FOOD — cooking it, eating it, reading about it, watching it on tv. Come to find out my father is a cooks as a hobby. Everyone loves his cooking! (Does that sound like someone you know??? Yup, you guessed it…ME!)

He’s going to be emailing me some pictures this week, so we’ll see how much I really look like him…

We discussed when I will be home in DC next…we will be setting something up to meet at the end of March…WOW…

Sunday is THE day. I’m making THE phone call to my father.

For the first time in my life, I will hear my father’s voice.

This.is.HUGE!

Think about it — for 27 years, this man has been a myth, an idea, a thought, and now he’s a reality. I will no longer have to create a vision of who he is and what he does, I’ll know. Questions that I’ve had for a lifetime will finally be answered.

I’m nervous and anxious and excited all at once…I think I could call on Earl right now…

At the same time, I’m thinking about my mother. And how she’s feeling about all of this. I know she’s having some issues, whether she’ll admit it or not. On one hand, I think she’s happy that he wants to meet me and wanted me to call him. But on the other hand, it’s always just been me and her, now this other piece of the puzzle has been introduced. I’m not asking for her opinion or help, I’m doing this ON.MY.OWN.

The fact that I wrote him and really didn’t tell her about the letter until I saw his response on Monday morning — probably didn’t sit well and made her feel left out. But I didn’t want to tell her that I was writing the letter in the first place because I didn’t want her to talk me out of it or try to tell me what to put in it (like she would try to do.) This was something that I had to do in my own time, my own way.

Last night, I told her that I was going to be making THE call on Sunday evening. She told me not to get stressed about all this. (What would I be stressed about? I’m the least stressed at this point.) She also said she hopes that I will give her an update after the call. (Of course I will, I will keep her abreast on everything, but at the same time I’ve got to handle this on my terms, not hers…and that scares her just a bit.)

I’m sure this weekend will last forever, just because I’m eager to get to Sunday evening (which seems so far away.) I just hope I don’t have a nervous breakdown from the waiting before then…

“55. Write a letter to my father.“

On January 15, 2008, I mailed my letter to my father. From the time I decided to write the letter up until this morning at 10:30am, I have been a nervous wreck. Not knowing whether I would even get a response from him. If I did get a response, would it be positive or negative. You see, I’ve never met my father. The only thing I’ve known about him was his name and he was a police officer in DC. Other than that, I’ve been pretty much in the dark.

My mother raised me by herself and made sure that I had everything I could ever want. I grew up with my grandfather constantly around until his death in 1997. I also have 2 outstanding and very supportive godfathers who have been the male influences in my life. However, the questions have always been tucked in the back of my head, whether I want to admit it or not. Whenever my mother would bring up my father, I always avoided discussing it and usually found a way to change the subject. The day before I wrote the letter to my father, I wrote one to my mother asking her to (finally) tell me about what happened with my father.

I know, why now? I guess with all this soul searching I’ve been doing over the last month or so, it was just time for me to get some answers and face the truth. I look just like my mom, but recently, she’s been telling people that I look just like my father. That made me curious. And thanks to the wonders of Google, I was able to look him up and find a picture (yeah, there’s no denying me) and his address. I didn’t know what, if anything, he knew about me…and I didn’t know if I was going to bring up bad memories. (I know I should’ve been thinking a little more positively, but you see so many stories about people trying to find their birth fathers and the end up being crushed…I guess I was just preparing for the worst.)

What a surprise it was to get back from my weekend living the Glamorous Life to find an email from him with “Dad here!” in the subject line. Words cannot even describe what I was feeling at that moment. I wanted to throw up, pee my pants, cry and call a couple of people all at the same time. So many thoughts were running through my head (and still are!)

This is just the beginning…I don’t know what I was hoping would come out of sending him a letter, but this might be the beginning of a new relationship….

And to think, I thought 2007 was a year full of milestones…

Mrs. Palmer’s chocolate chip cookies - they are something that I look forward to every time I go home to DC

My little cousin Nichelle - she’s my sunshine

My boy Decatur - even after losing track of each other for a little over 5 years, he STILL gets me like no one else

My Adidas flip flops - during my matriculation in college, you couldn’t find me in any other pair of shoes

Rock Creek Cherry soda - ain’t nuthin’ like some cheap soda! LOL

Old school music (either hip hop or soul/r&b) - even if the party is super wack, a little old school music (a la Maze featuring Frankie Beverly, big Luther, B.B.D) will make the party worth while

My girl KRF - though I haven’t known her long, she knows me better than most, even when I hate to admit that she’s right

My girl Cris - my personal security, my sister, my ride or die chick

My girl Erika Kane - sure, we don’t talk to each other all the time, but I know she wishes nothing but the best for me…she kept me calm during the trying times in Wright Hall and I will never forget her for that

UTZ potato chips, Jerry’s Subs and Pizza, carry-outs, go-go music - you gotta be from DC to get it

My gray sweats - the ultimate comfort for me

West Side Story, The Sound of Music, The Five Heartbeats - they remind me of summers in VA with my cousins