Category Archive

Here it is 3:00am and my ass should be sleep.

Unfortunately, I’m wide awake.

A lot has been running through my head and is causing me to lose precious sleep. From trying to make decisions on whether or not to move back home; to trying to get my finances in order; to feeling like I’m losing touch with friends that I was once close to…it’s putting me in a rather blah mood.

On one hand I want to go back home because I know that it would save me money, but on the other hand, I’m not sure it would protect my sanity. Though it’s taken some time to get to this point, overall I’m pretty content with things right now. Regardless of what some may think, Atlanta has been good to me, and is good to me. I’ve met some of my favorite people here and, in the last 2 years, I’ve had some of the best times of my life. I’ve been here for about 10 years and, yes I agree that it may be time for a change, I don’t think moving back home is the change I need. After all, it’s not technically a change because I’d just be going back to my second comfort zone.

Damn the state of the economy! It’s like you almost need a part-time job just to afford food and gas. It’s so depressing and I know it’s not just me feeling the pinch. My coworker and I talk about the economy and general money matters on a daily basis.

Every so often, I start feeling like I’m distant from friends.  Now is one of those times, well I take that back, I see Decatur all the time now and I’ve see Babs a lot too, but everyone else, I really only talk to them through email (or the occaisonal quick phone call.)  There are times when I feel like I don’t know certain people anymore because that’s how long it’s been since I’ve really seen/spoken to them.  It’s just weird feeling like you have no idea what’s going on in a friend’s life and vice versa…especially when just a few months ago that wasn’t the case.

For some reason (unbeknownst to me) I’ve been feeling a little off.

Like.I’m.lost.

Something changed in me from Sunday to Monday.

I feel like I’m losing my way.  Losing FOCUS on things that are important to me.

I can’t really put my finger on it, but whatever it is, I need to get over it.

There are times when I feel like no one else in the world gets me and understands what I’m going through. But then I talk to a friend or read one of my favorite blogs and it puts everything in perspective. I’m not the only one having a bad day…I’m not the only one battling the bulge, so to speak…Lord knows I’m not the only one with financial issues…I’m not the only one who puts on a sunny disposition even when things aren’t so sunny…I’m not the only one who doesn’t always like to be alone…

We all go through things, but we all deal with them in different ways. However I am realizing that there are more people like me. We pretend like things are all good because we don’t like to be vulnerable or we think the world needs us to be strong and “together.” It’s when we hit our breaking point — usually something small and routine that doesn’t go the way it normally does — that we lose it. We hope that the people that we give so much of ourselves to will be there for us, but at the same time we don’t want to appear to be weak so we just keep to ourselves…

For the most part I’m a very private person and even though I share many of my thoughts here, I never give every detail of my life. There are times when I’m so emotional and deep in thought that I have to find a way to clear my mind. To tell the truth, my friends don’t really know what’s going on in my head the majority of the time, however, those closest to me know when something’s not quite right. It’s second nature for me to worry about my friends and their well-being, and then one day it hits me — I’ve fixed everything for everyone else, but I’m still a wreck…

I don’t know where I was going when I decided to write this because now that I’ve re-read it, I don’t know if it makes much sense. But I guess I wrote it to say that no matter how tough things may get, no matter how much things seem not to work out for you, no matter how alone you may feel, there is someone else who’s been there or is having the same thoughts and feelings…sometimes that person is who you least expect it to be…

In a couple of weeks, I will be attending my 10-year high school reunion.

WOW.10.years. Like for real, it doesn’t even feel like it’s been that long. The past 10 years have been filled with lots of highs and plenty of lows; smiles and laughter, but a hell of a lot of tears. They made me the person I am today, a better person…though there were times that I was feeling so broken, I didn’t know if I’d make it.

Spring and Summer of 1998…I was on such a high that whole year. At the beginning, I was finishing off senior year with a car, no need to carry a backpack, off-campus lunches (thanks to Becky, the Dean of Students’ car, I was able to drive to get lunch — the possibilities were unlimited!), a relaxed uniform (woohoo, college sweatshirts and sneakers!), and not a care in the world! That summer after high school was the best. Me and Lo’Nique were any and everywhere. We were at all the hot concerts, eating at different restaurants trying to get some culture, meeting some really entertaining folks and pretty much living out of my car. We were inseparable, until it came time for her to leave for school in Tampa and me to head to Atlanta.

My freshman year…I came to my HBCU full of wonderment and culture shocked like a mugg! It was the most black people I had seen in a long time! (My high school may have had 50 black people total — including the janitorial and kitchen staff!) I was officially on my own in a new city, where I didn’t really know anyone. I was faced new challenges and a roommate. I learned that class wasn’t always necessary, especially if the professor didn’t take attendance. I learned that Psychology class at the gym wasn’t going to happen, unless I got a call from my R.A. saying she was driving up there (somehow I managed to pull off a A- in that class!) I learned that it was nothing to walk through the halls of my female dorm and see one of my many friends on the football team roaming around heading to his girl-of-the-moment’s room. I learned to flirt with Smitty in the corner store to get my chicken fingers and wing-on-wheats for free (or at least a discount!) I learned I was “holding my roommate back” — when she was living in my room, she never left (not even for homecoming festivities) but as soon as she moved out, she was Ms. Social Butterfly. I learned that I had more sense than my next roommate, who marked such milestones on her calendar as “first ride in a Benz,” “first time on a motorcycle,” “first conversation with a Que,” and would peek out of our window (on the ground floor in the parking lot) when the cops were arresting someone. I learned that people thought I was stuck up and mean because I would observe people’s interactions with each other. I rationalized not going to class on rainy days.

My sophomore year…I moved into the upperclassmen dorm and gained 5 new roommates. I learned to label my food and to keep our kitchen door close (damn ole girl’s boyfriend eatin’ our shit when we weren’t there!) I was reunited with my car, so a whole new world of opportunities opened up. I had my first stint as a barista at Starbucks. (Which ended up being a wonderful thing when one of my roommates got sick and we had to drive her to the hospital at 1am — I was wired thanks to all that caffeine!) I realized how important my close friends were after my “big brother’s” best friend passed away in his dorm room. I reaped the benefits of babysitting — free food, free laundry, and pay! I was officially in the business school and taking classes in my major. I flirted my way to free groceries — thanks to that dude who lost his job giving me the hook-up at Kroger…he was a cutie! (He would give me 8 bags of groceries for $8!!) I had a blast during Super Bowl weekend…even though we had that “ice storm.”

My junior year…it was pretty crappy. Overall, it was probably one of my worst years in the A. I was excited about living off campus for the first time, in a fly apartment. I was on my third stint at Starbucks and I loved it. There was always entertainment at my location in the heart of Midtown — from the crackheads to the drag queens to the gays, I loved that place and my coworkers. I was in the clubs on the regular (I even had my own parking space — the parking lot attendant had a crush on me!) However, three days before my birthday (on the way home from a great party) I got in a bad car accident. It left me without transportation for a long time, and it meant that I would have to rely on others to get around AND, more importantly, was going to spend my birthday at home, by myself eating a Hot Pocket and working on an accounting assignment (I cried most of the night.) My roommate was MIA and ended up moving in with her boyfriend and left me high and dry (see Letters.) I was really unhappy, and slipped into depression for a minute. Senior year and the end of my lease couldn’t come fast enough.

My senior year…things definitely got better. I moved into a new apartment with my friend Cris. Things were pretty great. We had a lot of fun for the most part. From going out to the doorbell that just rang on it’s own to the late nightswatching Vh1Soul and dancing around our living room. We fought killer spiders and complained about dumb people. I got closer to a couple of my B-School friends. That summer, I met my best friend B.Lanier (what a blessing that was!) At the end of senior year, I moved into my own place. (I don’t know how I survived all of that time with a roommate! LOL)

Fall ‘02 - Spring ‘03…I had 3 or 4 classes to take before I could graduate, so I pretty much coasted through life with no worries. I spent most of my time playing nanny to “my girls.” I had been babysitting four girls ages 1 to 15 for the majority of my matriculation for extra cash, free laundry services and, most importantly, free food.

From Spring 2003 to Summer 2004…I was straight chillin’. I was unemployed, but amazingly was eating out all the time. Me and KRF had met a lot of people and made friends with some restaurant people, which allowed us to get the occasional free meal! We were Sunday brunch connoisseurs, played full court tennis, and worked on our tans. And every Monday night (without fail) you could find me at The Havana Club for Mellow Mondays! Yeah, I coasted through the majority of the time. But that year was an important one for me personally. At the end of 2003, I decided that it was time to eliminate the negativity in my life. I’ve always been a people person and had a good group of friends. Since I’m an only child, I treat my FRIENDS as family — meaning, if I have it, you have it (in a sense.) Through out my life, I’ve always had people to take advantage of that, but have usually just let that slide. Karma is a bitch and always had a way of coming back with a vengeance. I decided that I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and I started making serious cuts to the team. I think I laid off about 4 people in a couple of months time. They all were let go for specific reasons, but it all boiled down to me feeling like I was unappreciated. One or two of them didn’t even realized there was a problem, and that was my fault, but I just got tired of putting in the effort when I wasn’t getting anything in return. Many people doubted that I would just cut people off, even B.Lanier, but I did. And in retrospect, I bet I looked hella crazy like I was losing my damn mind — I went from a crew of 15 to a crew of 4 in a few weeks.

June, 2004…I started working in corporate America. Ahh, the joys of being on salary. I had real money. I didn’t have to clock in…but on the other hand I also didn’t get any benefit financially when I had to stay at work past 5pm. GRR!

2004 - now…I’ve had a lot of personal growth. I’ve discovered things about myself. Definitely learned things about other people. I got rid of more negative energy. I’ve met my father. I’ve gotten closer with my family. I found out who my real friends were and are. I’ve traveled to a lot of wonderful places. (I could’ve stayed in Rome forever!) I’ve met a lot of great people. I found my passion and am making plans to actively pursue it. I’ve become closer to the people in my inner circle. I’ve reconnected with special people who I thought I had lost. I’ve gained 2 more godchildren.

You know, now that I’ve looked back on the last 10 years, I can honestly say that I’ve had some of the greatest times of my life and wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything!

As the years go by, things get sunnier. When it does get cloudy and rain, I have a better understanding of why things happened the way they did and come out a better person.

Is it falling in love? Is it getting married?

Is it having lots of money and material things?

Is it a clean bill of health? Is it being a size 2?

Is it the springtime? Is it Christmas?

Happyness means a lot of different things for different people. For me, it means my closest friends. It means my family. It means my matriculation in college. It means my senior year of high school. It means sitting on the edge of the Grand Canal in Venice. It means sitting on the beach in Puerto Rico. It means riding in my car with the windows down and the sunroof open. It means a good mix cd. It means a great concert. It’s Mrs. Palmer’s cookies. It’s Strawberries & Cream from CakeLove. It’s hip-hop.

It’s all the people who matter to me — Mom, Tom, Decatur, B. Lanier, Lo’Chelle, Malachi, Sash, Cris, DJ, KRF, Malayia, Tandi, Hope, Paul, Nichelle, Ike’s Tina, my girls from high school, Erika Kane, Babs, Shanel, Lawrence, my St. Luke’s fam, Samilia, Thay, LeeVon, DW, The King of Jonesboro, DRyCuba, Cee, Joy, Trish, Fatimah, Pat, Barb, Jakey…and the list goes on.

It’s a feeling. It’s a color. It’s peace of mind. It’s unconditional love. It’s pure joy. It’s smiles and tears. It’s more than I can put into words. It’s a good time. It’s the Beautiful at 4am. It’s laughter. It’s feeling appreciated. It’s a compliment. It’s a phone call from a friend on a bad day.

For me, it’s all that and more…what does happyness mean to you?

…and not impressed!

I am only one woman.

I want to be happy

I have dyslexia, for real.

I wish I had enough money to repay my mom for everything she’s ever given me.

I hate fake people.

I fear something happening to my mom.

I hear dead people, lol. Wait that was I see dead people…dah well.

I search for new music on a constant basis.

I wonder what my future holds.

I regret not telling them how I was feeling…

I love my inner circle.

I ache after dance class.

I always think about 3 people.

I usually keep my feelings bottled up.

I am not perfect.

I dance in front of my bathroom mirror all the time.

I sing loudly in the car.

I never like sitting in traffic.

I rarely get lost.

I cry in the middle of the night.

I am not always right, even though I hate to admit it.

I lose my mind periodically.

I’m confused when I talk to certain people.

I need to be accepted.

I should stop blaming myself when things go wrong.

I’m really starting to think I am…

In the past 5 years, I’ve gotten rid of bunch of “friends.”  Some of them genuinely hurt me, but, I’ll admit, that there a few that I just didn’t feel like putting in the effort with them anymore.  Even recently, I find myself feeling rather indifferent when people do things that get on my nerves.  Hell, just the other day, I felt myself ready to write yet another person off.  I stopped myself before I said, or didn’t say, something that I might regret in the future.

 I swear it seems like everytime I talk to or run into someone I haven’t spoken to or seen in more than 2 months, I have yet ANOTHER situation that starts of “yeah, you know I don’t talk to <insert name here> anymore…”  I always get the same reaction “DAMN! What happened?” followed by a nervous chuckle.  I think that  people are thinking to themselves, her she goes again — cutting someone else off.  For real, I know it looks like I’m the one at fault and there HAS to be something wrong with me because I can’t keep a friend to save my life.

I find that I blame myself because the only constant is me…I think I’m better at keeping friends if I can get over the 5 year trial period.  My closest friends are people I’ve known forever — 23 years, 14 years, 10 years, 8 years, 7 years, and 6 years.

I’m feeling bad because it’s like I don’t care anymore…almost as if you aren’t sh!t until after year 5.  Now this isn’t the way it is across the board, there have been a few execptions to the rule.  But it really seems to be a growing trend for me…

For the people in my life who haven’t haven’t made it to year 5 yet, I really hope that I don’t do anything to you to ruin your chances of making it to the 5th anniversary… 

I’m convinced that I really don’t like change. I don’t like when people change. I don’t like when situations change.

I remember when I graduated from high school and started my freshman year at college, I desperately wanted to go back to the comforts of senior year.

In 2004, when KRF left Atlanta and moved to California, then my best friend got a job opportunity in Lake Placid, NY and was considering the move from Atlanta, I felt like my world was coming to an end. I know I shouldn’t be so dependent on my friends but I am. It’s because I’m an only child and the friends that I have are more like family. Luckily, for me only KRF left and her move gave me a reason to go to L.A. every so often. For the most part all was well in my world…that is, until now.

One of my closest friends, Decatur, is planning on leaving Atlanta in a few months. I know he has to what he has to do. But it’s sad to know that he won’t be as accessible for ME, if I need to talk or just get away and be. I’ve gotten so used to him being there for ME whenever I needed him, and I know that when he leaves that will no longer be the case. I feel like I’m being so selfish right now. And I guess I am…I’m being VERY selfish. I feel like he’s leaving ME, even though his decision to leave has absolutely nothing to do with me. Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing best for him, which is why I’m happy that he’s going to be making the move. But it still sucks…

I really need to find a more productive way to deal with change…a mental breakdown is NOT a good look for the kid!

What are five words you would use to describe you? loyal, entertaining, emotional, generous, unique

What are five words you hope others would use to describe you? honest, caring, funny, genuine, thoughtful

Do you bottle things up or let it all hang out? I usually bottle things out, but I’m working on not holding things in…

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received? It’s probably the advice that started me on this new journey I call “life”:

“…but I told you before, stop hanging on. Meaning don’t worry about everything with everybody. These people are around you trying to get where the want to be in life. It is time for you to focus on you getting up and working on getting to where you want to be…Like even with myself, I’m still going to be your friend whether you worry about me or not. It’s not to be rude, it’s simply to say, that people who really care about you. They aren’t going to trip if you have to show them less attention because you are focusing on self. Those that do trip, you more than likely don’t need them cause those are the same people the will pull you back down, because they don’t want you to leave them. Shawty find ya and passion and do what you want to do.” - Decatur

What drives you, fear or desire? Desire

What is your biggest regret thus far? Not getting into more trouble growing up.

You wake up at 2:00AM, what is on your mind? It depends on the reason I woke up…it could be that I was uncomfortable; I could’ve had a crazy or too realistic dream; I could’ve been thinking about what’s been going on in my life.

How many times have you been in love? Never.

How do you cope with rejection? Usually I go somewhere to be by myself and have a good cry. Reflect on the situation for a few days, then pull it together and try to move on.

What inspires you in the morning? Being able to live another day.

What makes you Angry? I don’t usually get angry, but on the rare occasion when I do get angry, it’s usually because someone I care about has hurt me in some way.

What does happiness mean to you? Happiness is…my family, my inner circle of friends, good music, cooking and entertaining, a good party, vacation…it’s all the things that I love in life.

Are you a good liar? I do my best not to lie…though I do occasionally stretch the truth a bit…

What do you hope happens when we die? When we die, I hope that we go to a place that is pure love and happiness. I don’t know what it would look like, as I think it would look different for everyone - based on each individuals idea of love and happiness. I hope to see all of the people that I’ve loved and lost the same way I remember them.

What is the meaning of life? That’s a good question…I’m going to have to think about that one and get back to you…

I swear that’s the million dollar question. Recently I was asked that question by one of my close friends and for once in my life I didn’t have an answer for it. I know what you’re thinking, what was your answer before and why isn’t it the answer now? Right? Well, anytime I’ve ever been asked that question previously, I always gave the P.C. answer or what I thought the interviewer wanted to hear. My answer used to be: I’m currently thinking about grad school, but I’m just not sure whether I want to get an MBA in Marketing or an MA in Advertising. Last week, a conversation with Decatur left me lost and confused:

Decatur: So what do you want to do? Like in life, what are your plans for the future?

Me: You know that’s a really good question. I don’t know; I’ve just kinda been going with the flow of life.

Decatur: Umm…that’s not a good thing.

Maybe I should give you some background. You see, I’ve always lived my life worried thinking about what other people want me to do. From choosing a major in college to the clothes I wear to who I associate with to what job I work. I’ve always been the “good girl.” In my family, I’ve always been the one to stay out of trouble. To do what pleases everyone. I went to private school from Pre-K to 8^th grade, then went on to a college preparatory high school. I went straight to an HBCU, and graduated in 4.5 years. And now I’m working for in a corporate job and have been for the last 3 years. It’s been expected. I’ve never been arrested, never done drugs, don’t have any kids and truly don’t have any vices. Sure I have a couple of tattoos, but that’s about the most “rebellious” thing I’ve ever done.

To be honest, I never in a million years thought that I would’ve ever been in a corporate job. I’ve always felt as if I was WAY too creative for it. So what have I been doing here for the last 3 years, you may ask? I HAVE NO IDEA! It was cool having a “real” job at first and I have learned a lot. However, it’s getting to the point where I feel like I’m just going through the motions – and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. When you start going through the motions, you become complacent and find no reason to strive for anything different. I go to work, bullsh!t for 8 hours (give or take) and then go home. No real effort is put in between the hours of 7am and 3pm. And that’s cool, but it’s getting old.

So where do I go from here? Sure I have a few ideas, but no real concrete plan. It’s time for me to sit down and brainstorm. What do I enjoy doing? Hmm…let’s see. Being creative. Cooking. Kids. Entertaining. I think that’s a good start. Now it’s time to make some decisions…stay tuned!

As the year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the events of the past year and how much I’ve grown as a result.  Here are some of the things I’ve come to accept over the last year or so: 

1. My views and outlooks on life change as I get older, but I think that deep down I’m the same person that I’ve always been.
2. I am a giver, it’s what I do, but I can’t expect others to give as much or in the same manner that I do.
3. Many times I put others’ happiness before my own.
4. I’m only one person; I can’t be everywhere at once, no matter how hard I try to make everything happen.
5. Since I don’t have siblings, I value the relationships that I have with friends and when they end or things go sour, it’s hard for me to let go.
6. I’m not perfect and I don’t think that I am…I know I have many flaws; most that others don’t even notice or care about.
7. I would do just about anything in the world for a few special people.
8. I’m a work in progress.
9. I love to get in my car and drive…I get a lot of thinking done in my car…
10. I go through phases when I don’t like to be by myself…I’d rather be in someone else’s presence even if the other person is sleep.
11. I love being around kids, they make me happy.
12. Everyone has issues…mine might not be the same as yours but I’ve got things going on…
13. Nothing makes me happier than seeing the people I love happy.
14. I have a tendency to keep my feelings bottled up until I get overwhelmed and have a meltdown…
15. Birthdays are a big deal to me (in case you didn’t already know)…not everyone feels the same way I do.  To some it’s just a regular day.  
16. I remember a lot of stuff.  If something happens, whether good or bad, I can usually remember that date and all of the details surrounding the event for a long time.
17. I’m very opinionated; however, I try to keep my opinions to myself when it comes to other people’s lives and the decisions that they make.
18. I love being the “life of the party”, but I can’t always be “on” and need my down time.
19. There are times when I don’t want to talk to certain people, don’t be offended if I don’t always pick up your phone call or answer your text message.
20. I have a tainch of dyslexia and ADD…something that makes perfect sense to me may not make sense to others.
21. I am complicated.
22. I’m smart and have a large vocabulary…I’m not purposefully being condescending or trying to make you look dumb by “droppin’ some knowledge” or using a big word (or two.)
23. If you’ve met my mom, you’ve met me.  As the years go on, I realize that I am just like my mom; it’s a blessing and a curse.
24. I am a people person.
25. I am the coolest person you will ever meet. 

I’ve been thinking about doing this for a minute now and with so much going through my head at the end of the year, I figured it’s now or never. 

I write what I see and what I think.  It may make some mad, others may appreciate my bluntness.  This is me.  You can love me or hate me, but you will remember me.